Wednesday, June 20, 2007

A Tough Decision...

My oldest child, Baker, is 11 years old (will be 12 in October). For those of you that used to read my blog from a year or so ago...he is the child who refused to have anything to do with his father. I won't go into the "why" of this...but basically...he went from Mid-March to December last year without seeing his dad at all. With some coaxing from me...the whole...forgive...don't let anger eat at you etc....he finally resumed a relationship with his dad.

Baker is a bit of a loner. He is happiest if you just leave him be...let him sit with his video or computer games, or a book and leave him alone. When he isn't "plugged in" to one of these devices...he lives to just bug the hell out of anyone within ear shot. Trust me...even Andrew says he is a huge instigator in riling up the other children or even me...just for kicks.

Anyway, at some point in time..his father told him that when he turns 12...he can go live with him. The kids dad at various times has told them all that they are welcome to move in with him whenever they want. Not sure how he figures this since I have sole custody and have since we split. He has had the children every second weekend....with the option of having them on Tuesdays and Thursdays (which he has never exercised)

Lately, the bickering among the children has gotten really bad. Mainly name calling...but on occasion Baker has hit the other 2 younger ones.

Baker told me that he wants to go live with his dad. My initial reaction was NO WAY. I feel that the children have already lost a consistent relationship with their father...the last thing they need is to lose consistent contact with their siblings. So, I told him, that if one child goes...they all go. He was extremely unhappy with this...and said that if the other 2 children have to move with him...then he would rather just stay here.

The other 2 children like the living arrangements as they are...seeing their dad every second weekend...they just wish he would exercise the Tuesday/Thursday thing...I have told the ex this numerous times..but he is "too tired" or has to work etc. Now he has every second Friday off...not once has he offered to take the kids on the Thursday night. As you can see...this is a man that by his actions has shown me that he just wishes to be a Disney Dad (weekend fun times...no day to day drudgery).

So, last Thursday, the shit hit the fan here. Baker and Tay (Daughter who is 10)...were bickering over whose turn it was on XBox. Since Baker is on it ALL THE TIME (had already been on for over an hour that day)...I told him to get off and let his sister have it for one hour. He then goes to the stove and sets the timer. She was in the middle of making a snack before she went to play and told him to unset the timer until she was ready. He refused. Meanwhile...I was outside consoling the youngest one because Baker had hit him for breaking one of my pictures. By the time I got involved in the Baker/Tay incident...it had escalated to Tay racing out the front door with Baker hot on her heels. He finally caught her and hauled off and hit her too.

I grabbed Baker by the hair (not pulling it, just a grip to let him know I meant business), kicked him in the rear (not hard), and sent him to his room...so, ya...I lost it. Good modeling mom...geez. Anyway, once I had calmed down, I brought them up to the living room to get both of their stories. In my opinion, Tay had done nothing wrong. I got very angry with Baker and told him that if he hits one more person in my house then he is gone for good. He walks over and hits Tay and says "get me out of this shithole".

I called his father and told him what had happened and told him he could take Baker to live with him. We had words on the phone...not good ones lol....and he refused to take Baker. Said he wouldn't entertain any changes unless a new separation agreement was in place. I hung up...then basically saw red...he reduced the amount of child support because he felt like it....So, I fired off an email to him telling him that it's interesting how he only entertains changes when he makes them. What an idiot.

Anyway, after HOURS of hateful emailing back and forth on Friday...the ex has agreed to take Baker at the end of June.

I have mixed emotions about this decision because I don't believe that him divorcing his siblings is the answer. However, I feel that he will never be happy here if he thinks the grass will be greener at his dad's place. And since his dad has dangled that carrot...I am put in the position of being his warden if I force him to stay here. It ticks me off that the ex has placed me in t his position by telling the kids they can move in with him whenever they want without consulting me on the matter. Plus he lives about 40 minutes away...so if Baker moves there, he will have to change schools etc. Let alone the fact that the ex goes to work anywhere between 2am and 5am Monday to Friday and doesn't get home until dinner time.

There is a part of me that is happy he is going because I know that there will be peace in my household with him gone. But to know that I will only see him 4 days a month...breaks my heart.

So, I take the gamble and let him go. Hope that he misses us all...gets lonely...and wants to come back home.

It's been a tough week. Needless to say, with all the garbage going on here....workouts have suffered and eating has been poor.

So much for a stress-free lifestyle.

6 comments:

carolakabb said...

how come you can't see him more than 4 days a month...?

I can't even imagine. AND I do remember the other stories you told about him taking them to sleep at his girl friends house... yeah, sounds like a great role model... but I also think you are right about the carrot/warden stuff.

Will he be able to go to the same school in the fall?

Suzanne said...

I will have him every second weekend. He will end up seeing his siblbings every weekend...either at my place or his dad's. As far as Baker is concerned...he would rather miss seeing me than have to spend extra time with his sibs.

Yes...different school next year if he ends up staying there. Unless the ex moves closer..which may be an option

Suzanne said...

I am hoping you are right Evelyne...that the change will make him see things more clearly.

Funny how the dads dangle that carrot once the kids are a bit older and no longer require constant parenting or daycare.

Typical.

FV Tom said...

Suzanne, it is so good to "see" you out here again.

As for your health, I'm so happy that you're doing well.

And your love life seems to be heading in the right direction, a little soreness aside!

Kids? Always a tough one.

Stop by and say hi when you get a chance.

By the way, i think I read that your mother was having surgery yesterday, the 21st. I sure hope it all went well.

Pamela said...

Hi Hon, wish I could solve this for you.
June you say eh.. hmmm well if he get's to stay the summer at Dad's maybe that might be enough to sort things out .. in the mean time .. I might be overstepping things to say the behaviour really shouldn't be rewarded.. Hauling off & hitting your siblings to "get what you want" is NOT go to go thru life.
& then he gets to go to Dad's & do nothin??
I'd be thinking of look in at a counceling situation for him .. the anger management issue would worry me.. in general..
again .. maybe I'm over stepping things hon ..

Ahhh heck call me & tell me to shut it if ya want :P
Just call period :)

carolakabb said...

hows it going over there?