Tuesday, August 28, 2007

Sunshine and goofin' off...

All is well here. Just took a break from blogging to get out and enjoy the sunshine. Travelled to visit my parents again....sailing....summer BBQ's...getting the kids ready to go back to school...and looking for a job. Life is good!

I should be back to more regular blogging once school goes back in next week...

Hope all is well with everyone. Hugs all around :)

Tuesday, July 31, 2007

There is...

no rhyme or reason to this post...so bare with me lol.

Friday - I quit my job. The guy I was working for was a total putz. He told me I would get paid a certain amount as a base salary then commission on top. I never saw the base and went above and beyond my job description to help him out. I called him out on the whole thing and when he replied he didn't even try to defend what he had done. I feel such a sense of relief over not working for the guy so I know it was the right decision. I am going to hang with my kids for the next week or so then start looking for a new job. I am not really sure what I want to do. I could go back to doing accounting or I may look in a totally new direction. Gives me stuff to think about :) No workout on Friday...wasn't a workout day for me.

Saturday - This weekend was a kid-free weekend for me. In the morning Andrew and I lazed in bed for a while then went to get his shifter on his bike fixed. The man cycles to work a few days a week (about 20 miles each way). My man has NICE legs :) :) :) While the bike was getting fixed we went to Starbucks for hot chocolate. (hot chocolate is on my BFL :P lol) We then drove out to Vancouver and went to this store called Mountain Equipment Coop. They have everything to do with outdoor activities....cycling, hiking, camping, climbing, running, kayaking etc. You get the idea. Anyway, I was on a mission to find some cycling shorts. Ya....the ones with the shammy in the butt area as my tushy has NOT been happy on the rides we have been on. After viewing myself in spandex HELL (omg spandex shows EVERYTHING...disco women must have been very fit). I settled on a cycling SKORT. Seriously, they have them lol. It's cycling shorts...complete with padded butt...with a wrap skirt attached. Yes, I know this sounds very girly/granny like...but my god...when I saw myself in those bike shorts I knew there was no way in hell I was going to be seen in public in them.

Afterwards we wandered through China Town, went to a Zen Garden, then we were off to a BBQ at a friend's place. She is an amazing cook....prime rib on the barbie, beet couscous, gnoche with pesto sauce, red potato salad...just a few of the things to choose from. We had a really good time. This is the first time I had really socialized with his friends and I felt like I fit in fairly well. I was a bit nervous about the whole thing because I knew that they would be comparing me to his ex-wife and well, I just wanted to make a good impression.

Sunday - We went for a 15 mile bike ride (my new shorts were a HUGE help in the tushy department). I am able to keep up with him on the flat grounds but eat his dust when we take off from stoplights and I DIED on the hills. I DIED....did I mention that I DIED on the hills??? Geez. Granted, where I live the hills are tough. I felt bad that I held him back but he says it was just a ride for fun and that I shouldn't worry about it. It has made me want to train more on my bike so that I can keep up a bit more. Plus, I think he kind of liked the fact that I was sucking the hind tit so much ....male pride being as it is :) However, just one I want to breeze by him going up a hill and wait for him at the top. We all have dreams :) I did feel pretty good at one point when we were going up this particularly long steep hill and I was tempted to get off and walk my bike but then rode past this other guy that was climbing the hill. Was WAY behind Andrew but was far ahead of the other guy :)

Monday - My boys are still at their dad's so Tay and I had a girls day out. We picked up one of her friends and went shopping at this huge mall called MetroTown. I didn't buy anything for myself...waiting to see if my body changes for the better :) I bought Tay this cute little jean mini skirt. This is the first time she has asked for anything even remotely girl-like in so very long that I would have bought her the whole store if she wanted it lol.

That's about it for my weekend. Tay has been invited to go camping with a friend...she leaves tomorrow and will be back on Friday. Right now they are out shopping for the food for the trip. Does this strike any of you as odd....they are showing her what food that they are getting so that I can take her out later to buy her own food for the trip. I could see if it were a 2 week long trip but seems kinda weird to have her bring her own groceries for a 2 day trip. Especially since they once told their daughter after a shopping trip I took her on...that I was cheap to have not bought her stuff while we were shopping (I bought her lunch and a treat at the candy shop). They let her go shopping with NO MONEY at all and figured I would just buy her stuff. Yet they won't spring for groceries on a 2 day camping trip. Gotta laugh at people sometimes :) Opinions please....this one has me baffled :)

Thursday, July 26, 2007

Sappy Post...

First an update on yesterday...no workout scheduled for yesterday. Eating was so-so. I did my one week measurements today and the scale has gone up one lb however, I've lost....

Chest 3/4"
Belly Button 1/2"
Hips 1/4"
Butt 3/4"
Right Thigh 1/4" however left thigh is 1/2" larger lol
Body fat down to 29% from 29.4%

I am not getting too excited by these results as last week when I measured I was super-bloated due to it being right before TTOM. Still, I will take what I can get lol.

My cardio is done for today...ran intervals on the tready. Now I just need to eat clean :)

Now onto the sappy part....

Last night Andrew and I were laying in bed. It is my favourite time of day. The kids are all down and him and I lay there and just snuggle and talk. Last night he looks at me and he says, "I love you just the way you are."

Now for some of you this may not be a big deal but for me it was HUGE. I got all teary then started crying because it is the first time that I have ever felt loved unconditionally.

With Florida man I always felt like I wasn't enough...and in the end, I wasn't. He needed more than I was able to give. I felt like I was under a microscope, constantly criticized, and never measuring up. With my ex-husband it was the same thing. I would get all dressed up to go out and he would say something like....you look nice but I think it would look better if you accessorized more. The house was never clean enough, the children never well-behaved enough etc.

With Andrew, for the first time in my life, I feel loved just the way I am (fat or thin, sloppy or neat, dressed up or slobbed out, sick or well, happy or sad)....you get the idea. He just loves me :)

When I went onto Lava Life looking for a match...I had written this for what I wanted in a relationship...

"I want to find a relationship where words aren't always necessary...where a look or a smile can make the other person feel loved and special. I want the kind of love where the other person's quirky habits are endearing, not annoying....where you love them all the more because they are a freak :)"

Andrew and I have that lol. I knew he was something special on one of our first dates. We went to the home show. They had all these flower beds around the displays with this immaculate, untouched soil. We were walking along and I glanced at the soil then had this uncontrollable urge to put my foot in the soil to leave a mark. He grabbed me around the waist...pulled me to one side, and said. "don't even think about it". How he knew that that was what I was thinking at that moment is beyond me. This kind of stuff happens all the time.

He treats me with so much care and respect. Quite often in the middle of the night when we are sleeping I will feel him pull the covers over my shoulder if they have fallen off. Or we will just be sitting there talking and he will say, "You are so beautiful". When I am in pain from yoga or running....he will rub away the knots. We just get along so very well. It's been almost 6 months and we still have not had any sort of argument. Don't get me wrong...we disagree on things all the time...but it never gets angry. We usually end up laughing instead.

Anyway, sorry this is such a sappy post...but it truly hit me last night that I am so very lucky to have found this man. He makes me happier than I thought I could ever be :)

Wednesday, July 25, 2007

Happy Hump Day...

The last couple days have been fairly decent. I missed Monday's workout...TV died....went shopping for new one...TV came back to life lol. Guess it knew it was going to be dumpsterville if it didn't work again :)

Yesterday I walked inclines on the treadmill...went at 3 to 4.5 mph and 9 to 12% incline. It's weird, I burn more calories according to the machine doing this type of workout than I do running...yet I find the inclines easier than the running....go figure lol. Last night I went for a bike ride...was almost able to keep up with Andrew but had to hold back because we had the kids with us. Keaton, my 7 yr old, is a fireball. The kid just does not get tuckered out. My daughter on the other hand was sucking the hind tit and was rather discouraged. I told her she just needs to condition her body (and choose undies that don't crawl up her butt lol), and she will get there.

Eating has been hit and miss. I am struggling with resisting sugary sweets. They are all gone now...so hopefully that will put an end to that problem. We went shopping at Costco on Monday night and I have filled the cupboards with good, clean choices...JUNK BE GONE!!

Weighed in this morning and I have gained weight. Yea...bit discouraging but I am not giving up. If anything, it has made me want to clean up my eating just so I can see a drop in the blasted number.

Keaton was complaining about a sore tooth yesterday...he was in tears...so we went to the dentist at 7am this morning to get it looked at. He has decay under one of his fillings...it has reached the nerve, so now they are going to either open the tooth up and put sterile packing inside and cap it...or if there is too much nerve damage, they will pull the tooth out and put a spacer in since this is a tooth that isn't due to fall out for another 4 years. Either way, it's going to be costly grrrrr. Place your bets....I am guessing about $500.

That's it for now...keepin' it real xoxo

Monday, July 23, 2007

Insert title here...

Eileen ~ I like the idea of starting some place smaller and have taken that advice to heart. Any improvements at this point in time are much better than sitting back and being overwhelmed by the "gung ho BFL".

Pamela ~ Go ahead and copy and paste lol. Geez, and no I haven't forgotten to call you.

Stef ~ "frumpy, flabby and fat at 40" *shudders*. That phrase alone will have me hitting the tready.

Evelyne ~ I think we are in each others heads :) A lot of what you write about is exactly what floats through my head. I am easing into BFL slowly but consider me "in".

Now...onto what I have been up to.

Thursday ~ I got my run done. I will use the word run loosely since there seemed to be more walking and jiggling going on than running. BUT I got it done :) Eating was pretty good...maybe not enough...but I stayed on track.

Friday ~ As per Eileen's suggestion, I am easing into BFL slowly so I had no workout scheduled for today. Eating was on track....I even resisted take out Chinese food and had a salad with chicken on top instead :)

Saturday ~ Went for a bike ride. Eating was off as I wasn't feeling that well. Not eating bad stuff per se...just not eating as much as I should.

Sunday ~ no workout....eating off again....still not feeling well.

Water has been good on all accounts.

Friday night Andrew and I took the kids swimming. We didn't go in the pool but sat on the deck and watched. Next to the observation deck is a wall of windows where you can see the people in the gym working out. I have to say...it got me fired up a bit to see all those hard bods working out....yes...it was mostly men in there so I had plenty to admire :)

There was this one guy with the most gorgeous arms....he was wearing sweat pants so I was really hoping that he wasn't one of those guys that works his upper body but does squat with his lower and ends up top heavy with chicken legs. He really seemed to know what he was doing. Then there was the other end of the spectrum....the guy lifting way more than he should be and using horrible form. I felt like going in there and smacking him upside the head lol. The funniest was this guy who was holding these 5lb weights and doing side bends. Absolutely no form, and doing them SUPERFAST. Not sure what he was trying to do and I was truly thankful that I was on the other side of the glass and not in there trying to lift through my laughter :)

It has been so long since I have worked out at a gym that it truly was very entertaining to sit back and watch them. And yes, it did make me want to get in there and lift...which really surprised me since I hate lifting.

Anyway, that's it for now...off to do my workout.

Thursday, July 19, 2007

Mish Mash

Thank you for all your kind words on the pics I posted.

After our hike on Sunday, Andrew and I decided that it felt so good to be up and moving again that we would try to make a point of doing something physical each night (and I don't mean bedroom cardio :P)

So, Monday we went for a bike ride. It got cut short as my daughter was being miserable so we turned back. Still....I give us points for at least getting out to try :)

Tuesday was skipped. This was my fault. I can't play video games. I can't watch other people play video games. The reason for this? I get motion sickness. Yup...motion sickness from a game. Anyway, suffice it to say by the time the kids, Andrew and I finished playing...I was in the loo puking. Yea...good times lol.

Last night we went 10 pin bowling. We played a couple games...Andrew won the first...I won the second :) Not what I would consider a workout but at least we were out moving.

The time has come for me to bite the bullet and get back on track. Due to the bowling last night, I set aside my loose summer sundress attire for a pair of jeans. They were snug...just a wee bit uncomfy. Granted it is right before TOM...but still...I am not carrying 10lbs of bloat. The other day I was asking about people's motivation...well, I think mine could be not wanting to have to purchase a whole new wardrobe in a larger size!

So, now I ponder whether to bite the bullet fully and do serious BFL or to take smaller bites and just try to improve my eating/work out habits without doing the full out BFL thing. The jury is still out on this.

I was reading Stef's blog this morning and in it she has this counter thing that counts down to her 40th birthday. It dawned on me that my 40th is coming too....in about 6 1/2 months. Wouldn't it be wonderful to be fit and fabulous at forty? What a wonderful gift to myself!

Hmmm my mind is spinning here...maybe I should take the next couple weeks to ease into it slowly...then on August 6 (6 months before my 40th) see if my mojo has come back enough for me to try hitting it hard.

I'm so disgusted with myself for having said in the past that I am going to do this...and then letting things derail me. For once, I just want to follow through and do what I say I am going to do. It is fear of failing yet again that makes me want to do it in small measures. Hard to fail when you set no concrete goals. I call it the loosey-goosey approach to BFL. You have no idea how annoyed I am with myself that I just can't seem to commit to this thing. Especially since when you think about it...it really is very simple....6 meals a day....6 workouts a week. So very simple yet when I think about actually doing it....it seems too hard. I know I can do it...I lived BFL for over a year. Maybe I just don't want to give up my poor eating habits and lazy behaviour. For the life of me I can't figure out why. I felt so much better when I was on BFL...I had tons of energy...felt on top of the world, sexy, ALIVE!

OK...enough whining...just for today I am going to hit the treadmill and eat BFL.

It's a starting point. We all have to start somewhere.

Tuesday, July 17, 2007

More wedding pics...

This first pic is of the bride and groom. As I said in my last post...she positively glowed. The reception was lovely...great food...lots of dancing...no alcohol as they are all very Baptist and don't drink.

I love this next pic. One of the rare moments when the children were actually getting along. Don't worry....shortly after this was taken...they were back to bickering lol. I wanted to get a pic of both boys kissing their sister on the cheek but she was having nothing to do with that idea! So this spontaneous pic is a close as we got.

Andrew and I. No, I am not pregnant lol. I swear, if I had seen myself in pictures in that dress before I bought it, it would have stayed on the rack! The empire waist (I think that's what it's called) was great for staying cool, eating and generally being comfy...but I look pregnant in all the pics lol. I know I am not at my most svelte right now but honestly, I didn't think I looked that bad...the camera adds 30 lbs right?

The kids and I...notice strategic kid placement to cover me lol.

As for other news...hmmm...the kids went to their dad's Saturday morning so Andrew and I had the rest of the weekend to ourselves. We both had errands to run on Saturday, had a quiet evening in on Saturday night (Chinese food and a movie at home). Sunday we went out to IKEA to wander around...bought a few minor kitchen items...then went to the North Shore Mountains to go for a walk. We picked what the park had labeled as an "easy hiking trail suitable for the elderly, children etc...with one steep part". Ummm, they LIED lol. The steep part lasted half the hike lol. It was riddled with tree roots, rocks, boulders, etc. Maybe a really fit older person could do it but it definitely was not a stroll on the beach. It showed me how truly out of shape both Andrew and I are. We died in the beginning....but once we got past the initial "OMG I think my heart is going to pound out of my chest phase"...it felt really good to be out and moving about. My butt was feeling it yesterday :)

One thing that I have discovered about myself is that I eat when I am happy. The times when I have been thinnest in my life have all been when I was unhappy. I think for me, it's the whole I am happy so let's celebrate by eating and drinking and making merry lol. I need to get a handle on this...SOON lol. My last attempt before the wedding never got off the ground...too much stress over the whole son/ex thing. Now I have no excuse. Truly I don't. I have everything I need to be in phenomenal shape...the equipment, the knowledge...what I am lacking is the will power, the drive, the motivation. I am just too darn content right now lol. It's all Andrew's fault...he keeps me too happy :) When I think about biting the bullet and hopping back onto BFL with all the workouts and structured eating, I just can't seem to find the drive to do it all.

What motivates you?

Saturday, July 14, 2007

Wedding Pics...

The wedding was yesterday and it was absolutely beautiful. I have never seen my niece glow like that...she truly was a joy to behold. They couldn't have asked for a better day weather-wise...sunny with a nice breeze to keep things comfortable.

The first pic is of my youngest son Keaton before his spit and polish. Not sure why he is holding up his game system..who knows...he is 7 so that might explain it lol

With the magic of a few hours and some time in a barber chair...I think he cleaned up pretty well. And yes...that is the same child lol. The pic was taken on the way to the wedding...not sure why he has such a shit-eating grin on his face...but it truly captures his essence lol.

This next pic is of my oldest son Baker (he is 11 yrs old)...the one that is staying with his dad for the summer. His father rented him a suit for the wedding so he was feeling pretty spiffy. Albeit a bit over-dressed considering he was not in the wedding party lol. As we all know...there is no telling my ex anything grrrrr. Granted he did look great but was wayyyyy too hot so consequently by the end of the evening most of the suit was gone and he was nagging to be taken home to change into something cooler.

This next one is of my daughter Taylor (she is 10 years old). Andrew and I were out getting Keaton's hair cut while she got ready and were completely blown away to see her come out the front door all dressed up. She tends to be a bit of a tom boy...leaning towards surf shorts and T-shirts.

Andrew just came home...so I will post more later :)

Friday, July 13, 2007

A Quickie...

From the title I betcha were thinking this was going to be a naughty post... :) Sorry to disappoint lol. Just posting so you will know I am alive and well...just was really busy...then took the kids camping (got back yesterday).

Today is my niece's wedding so the spit-polishing of the children will be starting soon :)

I will post more after the wedding.

Hugs all around....

Thursday, June 28, 2007

Random Babbling

I made it to the court house yesterday and got my separation agreement filed. Next step is to complete the paperwork for the Family Maintenance Enforcment Program. I have to admit...when the clerk stamped the agreement with her official courty stamp thingy...I felt great...like I was on the way to really sticking it to the ex :)

The more I read up on this enforcement program...the more I like it. The ex will pay the support to the program and the program will direct deposit it into my bank account. No more chasing him around for cheques, no more getting the support 2 weeks late, no more of him writing the cheque incorrectly so the bank returns it. In my mind, the less contact I have to have with the putz, the better. If he doesn't pay, they will garnish his wages, his bank account, refuse to renew his driver's license etc. I am sure it will never come to that for him but it sure will be nice just to not have to deal with him any more. He has told me many times to get a new separation agreement in place because he doesn't like the current one....this will force him to do the work instead of me since I like the current agreement just fine. Knowing that that vein will pop in his forehead when he gets the notice that he has been tagged by this program puts a huge smile on my face. Ya...I'm evil lol.

Last day of school today for the kids....they are stoked! The energy level at school yesterday was tangible. I felt for the teachers lol.

Are there any smells that completely turn you off when you smell them on someone's breath? I thought my only one was beer and Doritos. Apparently, the clam chowder/caesar salad/garlic bread/white wine combo...with an attempted tooth paste mask....doesn't work for me either. We started making love last night and well, had to abort the mission due to the wicked emissions coming from his mouth. He dashed to the bathroom to brush again and use mouth wash...but even that was unable to eliminate the toxic gas coming from his mouth.

He felt bad...I thought it was hysterical...but then again...I wasn't the one laying there all revved up with no where to go :)

Maybe I should be able to work past this kind of problem....take one for the team etc....but I just couldn't do it. Anyone else have this problem where you just can't get past bad breath in bed? It was funny because afterwards he was drilling me for what other food combinations turn me off. So, I have come to the conclusion that if you ever want to have your man's full attention to discuss something...then stop in the middle of making love...and tell him you really need to talk about "________" before you can finish making love :P

Hugs to you all...have a great day!

Wednesday, June 27, 2007

Same shit different week...

Where to begin...hmmm...ok. Last Friday afternoon, the kids, Andrew and I are all play wrestling. Baker tries to knee Andrew in the nuts. Andrew tells him not to. Baker does it again. Andrew says please don't do that again. Baker tries again. I tell him not to and that if he is going to play that way, he will be sent to his room. Baker picks up a shoe and jabs it at Andrew's crotch. Andrew pins him to the floor. Baker hurts his shoulder. The kids dad shows up to take them all to dinner. Baker is crying. The dad and Andrew have a conversation..they shake hands....all seems well. They all go out to the car. The dad comes back and yells at me that Baker is really hurt and that he isn't going to ruin his evening and that I need to take him to the doctor.

Meanwhile, Baker is furious with Andrew. So, I take Baker to emergency...he is moving his injured arm the whole time. I feel like an idiot because I know the child is not hurt. While I am there the dad phones and tells me that I better not let my boyfriend abuse his kids anymore. The doc sees Baker...nothing is wrong with him...ummmm duh. We go home. The dad picks up Baker and takes him to his place for the night.

Since then, the emails have been flying back and forth. My child support was reduced in the spring from $1,225 to $1,000 because the dad figured that was what I should get since I now have a live in boyfriend (ummm dimwit...my live in boyfriend has no effect on how much you pay)....now since the incident on Friday....he has told me he will be paying $450/month for the other 2 kids and that I won't be getting Baker back. This is supposed to cover their child support and his share of the daycare. My daycare bill for the summer will be around $1,800. Legally, he can't do any of this stuff however, short of having the cops show up to bring Baker back to my place, there isn't much I can do. Plus, I told Baker he could do a test trial of living at his dad's place....hoping that once he saw that the grass wasn't greener, he would want to come home.

So, today I am going to register our existing separation agreement in court and will sic the family maintenance enforcement people on him.

Ya..fun stuff. Meanwhile, he has gotten the child a cell phone and has promised a puppy. Nothing like trying to buy your kid. When I looked at the cell phone...my home number is in there as "home", my cell number is in there as "mom", and his dad's cell number is in there as "Craig". What is wrong with that picture???

When Baker came to get some of his stuff on Sunday night...he didn't even say good bye. No hug...nothing. He says he said good bye but that I must not have heard him. Still...it hurts. I spent Sunday night bawling my eyes out.

I drove for Baker's field trip yesterday...got the kids donuts for the ride out there....sodas and chips for the ride back. Took the whole day off work to do it....the 4 kids in my car all said thanks....my own child did not.

I am not sure where everything went wrong with Baker. It occurs to me that he dumped his dad last year when his dad had a live in girlfriend. Now I have been dumped because I have a live in boyfriend? He doesn't want a second authority figure in the house??

I just don't get it. I have done everything I can to give my children a happy home. I have tried to raise them to be caring individuals etc. Yet there is a huge lack of respect.

Since Baker has left, I have to admit, there is peace in my house. There is no bickering, no name calling, no hitting etc, it has truly been peaceful. There is a part of me that thinks maybe him moving out is for the best. But then there is the part of me that says that he needs to have a relationship with his siblings...and that allowing him to divorce his siblings is just wrong.

Andrew figures that once school is out...and Baker is home alone all day....that he will get bored and want to come home. I thought he was right at first...but now...I am not so sure. Cell phone, puppy, house to himself, doesn't have to share. I dunno, time will tell.

How am I holding up? I waffle back and forth. I miss my child but it isn't that bad because I have the other 2 that keep me busy. Plus Baker was pretty much a loner around here....only interacting to stir up stuff....and I have to say, I truly don't miss the bickering. I feel hurt because he walked away without even giving me a hug, I feel used for the field trip yesterday, I feel unappreciated, discarded. I feel like the only time I am going to hear from him is when he wants something from me.

Andrew thinks I need to take a hard stance on this stuff. Like yesterday, Baker forgot his lunch and I gave him money to buy one. I should have told him to call his dad. I just don't have it in me to not care for my children.

Andrew says that if I take the other 2 kids for fun outtings this summer that I shouldn't bother to invite Baker. That Baker has chosen not to be a part of our family and shouldn't get to show up just for the fun stuff. He needs to be here for the good, the bad and the ugly. I know he is probably right....but it's just hard for me to take the kids to the water slides when I know Baker is sitting at his dad's place all alone.

This is all new yet...so I guess I will just have to wait and see how it all unfolds. Last day of school for the kids tomorrow.

Wednesday, June 20, 2007

A Tough Decision...

My oldest child, Baker, is 11 years old (will be 12 in October). For those of you that used to read my blog from a year or so ago...he is the child who refused to have anything to do with his father. I won't go into the "why" of this...but basically...he went from Mid-March to December last year without seeing his dad at all. With some coaxing from me...the whole...forgive...don't let anger eat at you etc....he finally resumed a relationship with his dad.

Baker is a bit of a loner. He is happiest if you just leave him be...let him sit with his video or computer games, or a book and leave him alone. When he isn't "plugged in" to one of these devices...he lives to just bug the hell out of anyone within ear shot. Trust me...even Andrew says he is a huge instigator in riling up the other children or even me...just for kicks.

Anyway, at some point in time..his father told him that when he turns 12...he can go live with him. The kids dad at various times has told them all that they are welcome to move in with him whenever they want. Not sure how he figures this since I have sole custody and have since we split. He has had the children every second weekend....with the option of having them on Tuesdays and Thursdays (which he has never exercised)

Lately, the bickering among the children has gotten really bad. Mainly name calling...but on occasion Baker has hit the other 2 younger ones.

Baker told me that he wants to go live with his dad. My initial reaction was NO WAY. I feel that the children have already lost a consistent relationship with their father...the last thing they need is to lose consistent contact with their siblings. So, I told him, that if one child goes...they all go. He was extremely unhappy with this...and said that if the other 2 children have to move with him...then he would rather just stay here.

The other 2 children like the living arrangements as they are...seeing their dad every second weekend...they just wish he would exercise the Tuesday/Thursday thing...I have told the ex this numerous times..but he is "too tired" or has to work etc. Now he has every second Friday off...not once has he offered to take the kids on the Thursday night. As you can see...this is a man that by his actions has shown me that he just wishes to be a Disney Dad (weekend fun times...no day to day drudgery).

So, last Thursday, the shit hit the fan here. Baker and Tay (Daughter who is 10)...were bickering over whose turn it was on XBox. Since Baker is on it ALL THE TIME (had already been on for over an hour that day)...I told him to get off and let his sister have it for one hour. He then goes to the stove and sets the timer. She was in the middle of making a snack before she went to play and told him to unset the timer until she was ready. He refused. Meanwhile...I was outside consoling the youngest one because Baker had hit him for breaking one of my pictures. By the time I got involved in the Baker/Tay incident...it had escalated to Tay racing out the front door with Baker hot on her heels. He finally caught her and hauled off and hit her too.

I grabbed Baker by the hair (not pulling it, just a grip to let him know I meant business), kicked him in the rear (not hard), and sent him to his room...so, ya...I lost it. Good modeling mom...geez. Anyway, once I had calmed down, I brought them up to the living room to get both of their stories. In my opinion, Tay had done nothing wrong. I got very angry with Baker and told him that if he hits one more person in my house then he is gone for good. He walks over and hits Tay and says "get me out of this shithole".

I called his father and told him what had happened and told him he could take Baker to live with him. We had words on the phone...not good ones lol....and he refused to take Baker. Said he wouldn't entertain any changes unless a new separation agreement was in place. I hung up...then basically saw red...he reduced the amount of child support because he felt like it....So, I fired off an email to him telling him that it's interesting how he only entertains changes when he makes them. What an idiot.

Anyway, after HOURS of hateful emailing back and forth on Friday...the ex has agreed to take Baker at the end of June.

I have mixed emotions about this decision because I don't believe that him divorcing his siblings is the answer. However, I feel that he will never be happy here if he thinks the grass will be greener at his dad's place. And since his dad has dangled that carrot...I am put in the position of being his warden if I force him to stay here. It ticks me off that the ex has placed me in t his position by telling the kids they can move in with him whenever they want without consulting me on the matter. Plus he lives about 40 minutes away...so if Baker moves there, he will have to change schools etc. Let alone the fact that the ex goes to work anywhere between 2am and 5am Monday to Friday and doesn't get home until dinner time.

There is a part of me that is happy he is going because I know that there will be peace in my household with him gone. But to know that I will only see him 4 days a month...breaks my heart.

So, I take the gamble and let him go. Hope that he misses us all...gets lonely...and wants to come back home.

It's been a tough week. Needless to say, with all the garbage going on here....workouts have suffered and eating has been poor.

So much for a stress-free lifestyle.

Thursday, June 14, 2007

29 Day Wedding Melt Down...

Firstly...a couple of comments on yesterday's post.

Pamela ~ Definitely too much of a good thing. Everything in moderation including THAT lol

Eileen ~ Thanks for stopping by my blog. Glad to see that the afternoon slump is normal. Amazing how just a small jolt of caffeine in the morning affects us. Thanks for the tips on the green tea extract and green tea. I gave in and had some green tea yesterday and was much better.

Evelyne ~ If I had your schedule...caffeine would be a necessity. IV drip please!

Carol ~ I used to put a pot on in the morning...drink it all....then a venti coffee in the afternoon...diet coke etc. I was shocked when I added it all up. No wonder I was climbing the walls. As for the nipple twisting comment...OMG LMAO here.

No workout yesterday....still suffering from the affects of excessive sex. Abstinence seems to be helping. It was so funny last night...we crawled into bed and he looks at me with this puppy-dog hopeful look in his eyes...and says..."how are things?" I said..."you mean down there?" He says...with an uncomfortable look on his face..."umm yeah". I said... "this ride is still closed for maintenance". Look of total deflation on his face. I cracked up laughing.

Now...onto my topic for today....

My niece is getting married on July 13th. It is going to be a large wedding with a bunch of people there who I haven't seen since my teen years. So, there is my motivation. I want to shed a few pounds...maybe lose a dress size before then.

My plan - I am trying to live a basically stress-free lifestyle. I have found that BFL puts a lot of pressure on me...so....I am going to follow the BFL eating plan fairly closely but the exercise regime will be more lax. My goal for exercise will be to just do SOMETHING everyday. Even if it is just a brisk 20 minute walk. My problem with the exercise thing is that if I don't enjoy the workout...I won't do it. I will postpone it...tell myself that I can double up lifting and cardio etc...then the end of the week comes and it is just undoable. I really don't like lifting so I am hoping that the toning and strength exercises I do in hot yoga will be enough.

There is a mental thing going on with the 29 day thing. 29 days is not very long. I can tick the days off on the calendar and know that there is an end in sight. I know this is supposed to be for life...but when I think about for life...it just seems too long. So, I am just doing this for 29 days :)

My stats:

Weight 137.6
Body Fat 28.1% (Navy Site) Yuck
Chest (around the nipples) 35 1/2"
Chest below the breasts 30 1/2"
Waist 28 1/2"
Belly Button 32 1/2"
Hips 38"
Butt 40"
Left Thigh 23 1/2" wowza lol
Right Thigh 24" Ummm HOLY SHIT lol
Left Calf 14 1/4"
Right Calf 15 1/4"

Weird how my right leg is bigger than my left. I have always liked the look of my left leg better...now I know why lol.

I will see if I can get Andrew to take some pics tonight EWWWW.

That's it for now. Keepin' it real...

Wednesday, June 13, 2007


No workout yesterday...ummm...TMI coming up....I found out it is possible to have too much sex...and that one can be rubbed raw in sensitive regions thus making walking, working out, peeing etc a challenge.

Ya...bet your eyes are burning now lol.

Now...onto this whole caffeine thing. Last fall when I was struggling with depression, they had me calculate how many milligrams of caffeine I was consuming a day. A 5 oz cup of coffee has 130mg of caffeine in it. If stress, anger, or anxiety are issues for you, they recommend that you drink less than 450mg of caffeine per day. When I added up my daily caffeine intake I was up around 1,200mg. Ya...I was a caffeine junky! It was to the point where if I didn't have some caffeine by 1pm each day, I would start to get a headache and would end up puking. Nice.

So, I decided to kick the caffeine habit. I slowly started drinking less and less each day until I got down to one 8 oz cup of coffee per day. This past week I quit entirely. What I am finding though is that around 1pm each day I get so veryyyyy sleepy. It's like a total crash and burn at 1pm. I also get sleepier a lot sooner in the evening. I'm hoping this will get better. I'll give it another week...and if it doesn't get better...I may try a cup of green tea in the morning. It has 35-60mg of caffeine in it but may be enough to keep me going through the day.

Didn't weigh today...just plain forgot...if anything it is going up...bad eating...yep...come kick my ass :)

Keepin' it real...

Tuesday, June 12, 2007

Carol says I have to update...

bossy thing lol. OK...my friend is doing better. We analyzed Seattle guy and have decided he is gay. :) I mean...what kind of man.....when sneaking up on a humming bird to take pics...walks pointing his toes ballerina style. Nuff said. The visual gives me the willies. Don't get me wrong...I think male ballerinas are fine...very athletic etc....but a man that points his toes while walking...well kinda girlie in my opinion.

Andrew came back from his kayaking trip on Sunday....he was gone for 10 days...God it seemed longer than that. So needless to say...my blog has been neglected for...ummm...other things :)

Andrew, my 10 yr old daughter and I all went to hot yoga last night. Warned my daughter that a plateful of perogies before class was a BAD idea. Needless to say, she learnt that sometimes mom does know best lol. It was Andrew's first time and he DIED. It was a lot tougher than he thought it would be. Afterwards I asked him if he found the whole hot yoga thing "hot" and he didn't have much of a reply lol. I think he was too busy trying to just breathe in there let alone having the energy to look around the room then let blood rush to that part of his body.

Eating has been all over the map. I have good days that are followed by disastrous ones. I'm not stressing over the whole thing. I'm happy and enjoying life...and if that means I drink Venti Hot Chocolates then so be it lol.

If I was to analyze my eating...I would have to say that I eat WAYYYY too many carbs. I am a carb piggy. Bread, fruit, bread, tortillas, bread, bagels etc....oh and cheese. Those are my pitfalls. I do seem to do better when I have worked out. That whole not wanting to undo what I have done thing. I have heard that the eating is like 80% of this whole thing. That if you can nail the food plan....then the fat will come off. I firmly believe that. I watched my ex lose 30 lbs in 12 weeks just by eating properly (no workouts at all). Granted he is a man and they tend to lose easier (bastards :P)

That's it for now...didn't weigh this morning....kids were bickering again grrrr.

Keepin' it real....

Saturday, June 9, 2007

Long Distance Relationships...

Warning...this post is long...grab a glass of water and read on...or skip it. Nothing important in here...just me venting :)

Haven't been to yoga for a few days now...life keeps getting in the way. I try to go 3-5 times per week and have only made it twice this week...so, getting to yoga this weekend is a priority :) I think I need to fire up the treadmill for those days that I just can't make it for a 2 hour yoga session.

Had my eye check up yesterday...and they are continuing to improve. He is very pleased with where I am at :)

Now, onto my mind wanderings for today...This morning the phone rang at 8am...early for around here so I knew something was wrong. It was my best friend (she lives in Arizona). She was crying. She has been "dating" this guy from Seattle for the past 3 months. I use the term dating loosely because they had never actually met in person. Over the course of the past few months she had fallen in love with this guy. Is it possible to fall in love with someone you have never met in person? I believe it is to a certain extent. But I also believe that once you actually meet that person for real...that the way a person "is" in person can alter this perception. I have first hand experience with this as a result of the whole fiasco with Florida Man. Anyway, he flies down to Arizona to meet her. They have the big dramatic twirling airport kiss and things seem to be going well. She had already told him in email or on the phone that she loved him but he had never specifically said the words. She was convinced that he was the one. So last night (day 3 of his visit), she tells him she loves him. And he says that he is sorry but that he doesn't harbour the same feelings for her and that she doesn't have enough to "offer" him. WTF does that mean? lol She is pretty, funny, caring, owns her own home, has her own business...she is a good package in my opinion. He on the other had lives with a buddy, has a minimum wage job, no car etc. Anyway, she is devastated. She tells him that maybe he should change his flight and go back early...ie today instead of tomorrow evening. He says, no. He is too cheap to pay the fee to change his flight so she will either have to pay the fee herself or deal with him being at her house until tomorrow. Ugh...uncomfortable situation at it's worst.

I feel so very bad for her but at the same time knew that this was going to happen from the get go. Yes, my view on long distance relationships is somewhat....ok VERY...jaded because of Florida Man. From the beginning I advised her to slow down...see how it goes....but she had to develop feelings for a man she had never met. I don't know if he was just using her for an Arizona vacation or if he really believed they had something. In the long run, none of it matters. She is hurting and all I can do is try to be there for her as best as I can. She just has the MOST rotten luck with men. The following list is not all inclusive...I have forgotten most of the men she has dated....but these are the highlights.

  1. She divorced her husband because she thought there was someone better for her out there. I believe it was the right decision (he was a bit of a prick), but she believes she made a mistake and now all of her failed relationships are pay back for divorcing him.

  2. She fell in love with a married man. He never told her he would leave his wife. She ended it. This one still continues on 5 years later...him calling begging her to take him back and she saying no.

  3. The old guy that wanted the trophy wife. She ended it.

  4. Her best friend...who also had benefits but they were never exclusive. More on this in a second.

  5. A guy she met online...Putzman...not kidding that was his last name. He lied about his health and gave her genital herpes. She asked all the right questions...he lied....they were in the middle of having sex and he says...oh btw...I have herpes and I think I may be having an outbreak. This led to the end of the relationship with her best friend. I have tried to tell her that if her best friend ended a non-exlusive friends with benefits relationship over her having herpes...then he was just in it for the sex and was never a true friend.

  6. San Diego guy...she met him online...he seemed nice. She flew out to meet him. His picture was wayyy old. He showed up at the airport in old man jeans....you know...the ones with the elastic waist...ewww....then started drinking..and drinking...and drinking some more...drooling drunkeness. No love connection, she flew home the next day.

  7. Lousiana guy...again another online guy. This guy had anger management issues. He exploded at the waiter, the store clerk, the cab driver, her dog, her. Needless to say...she dumped him.
  8. And finally, Seattle man.

Why is it so hard for her to find love? I thought originally that she was just being too picky...but this last guy...a smoker, lousy job, no home, no car etc. She just keeps getting hurt over and over.

Then there is me. I thought I had found the one. Turns out him dumping me was the best thing that ever happened to me. I went on Lava Life at the end of January...kissed a few frogs...then found my prince :) Andrew is the most kind, caring, gentle man I have ever met. My kids adore him, he adores my kids, even my ex says that if he could hand-pick a step dad for the kids...Andrew would be it. We have been inseparable for the past 4 months and I have absolutely no red flags when it comes to him. No, he isn't perfect...but then neither am I (shhh don't tell anyone :P)

Why is it so easy for me....yet so hard for her?

Thursday, June 7, 2007

3 little pigs & Parents

No yoga class or workout done yesterday. My parents were coming to visit so I had to spend the day cleaning up the pig sty. I have come to the conclusion that I live with the 3 little pigs. No word of a lie...they are total slobs. For example, instead of putting a granola bar wrapper in the trash bin, they will shove it between the sofa cushions. I found a whole box of wrappers in there yesterday. If they spill somethng, they don't wipe it up...they will put something over it to cover the mess. Yep...the 3 little pigs. Anyway, after spending most of yesterday cleaning the house only to have them mess it up last night and this morning...I have decided that the 3 little pigs are going to shape up and start being less messy. Wish me luck....cover your ears....cause the nagging is about to begin.

Why have I let the 3 little pigs polish their slovenly ways? Well, my parents are neat freaks. So, in my efforts to not be like my parents...I went to far in the other direction lol. Time to find some balance.

I had a nice visit with my parents. Lots of talk about my niece's upcoming marriage in July. I need to get shopping soon to find a dress to wear. Would love to shed a few pounds first so I will wait a couple weeks I think before I start looking. Found out that my mom has cancer in her leg. It's not skin cancer...it goes deeper into the muscle. She says it isn't the kind that spreads and that they will just cut it out and all will be well. Her surgery is June 21.

You always think your parents will be there...but mine are both approaching 70 now...their health is excellent...both are very active. Mom does hot yoga and they both hike.....but I lately have realized that they won't be here forever. Eventually, everyone dies. The nice thing is...having realized this...it gives me lots of time to make sure that when they do go...I won't have regrets about not spending enough time with them. I think I may drive up to their place for Father's day (5-6 hour drive)...do a hot yoga class with my mom....shop for the dress with her...and kick my dad's ass at cribbage :)

Forgot to weigh this morning.

Keepin' it real...

Wednesday, June 6, 2007

When did this happen?

Before I get onto my topic for the day...an update on yesterday. Got my hot yoga done again. The room seemed hotter today...more bodies in there I suppose. I literally dragged my ass through the whole class and felt like puking the entire time. I am not sure if it was because the room felt warmer, not enough water before class, or the stove top stuffing I scarfed back before I went lol. I am guessing it was probably the last two *guilty grin*. I managed to finish the class and although I had to lay down a few times to recover I felt I gave it my best effort considering I was burping up stove top the entire time lol.

There is this one back bending pose that they do...where you kneel then put your hands in the small of your back and back bend. Every time I try to do this pose I feel like I can't breathe and I get all light headed and woozy then have to stop. It's FRUSTRATING. Guess I will just have to keep perservering.

Now...onto what is on my mind for today. Yesterday my youngest child asked me if he could do something (I forget what...the what isn't important). My response to him is what got to me. He asked me if he could do something...and I said, "no". He said, "why not?". And I said, "Because I said so."

"Because I said so"....huh? That is something my mother used to say when I was a child and it made me nuts. It's such a non-answer. When did I become my mother??? The whole exchange got me to thinking about other things that I do that are just like my mom....

  1. Because I said so
  2. Brush your hair....it looks like a rat is nesting in there (don't ask lol)
  3. Is there a little boy/girl underneath all that dirt?
  4. "When are we leaving?"....."Soon". Said because I don't want to commit to an actual departure time because then I know they will bug me mercilessly right up until that moment.
  5. "Can I have an ice cream bar?" ...."Maybe later". Again....I have no intention of letting them have an ice cream bar...I just don't want to have the argument about it at that moment.
  6. Turn that music/TV down! (When did my hearing become so sensitive?)
  7. Eat your dinner....there are starving children in Africa (hated this one as a kid....always figured mom should just send them my portion and be done with the nagging)
  8. I never used to care about what I looked like if I had to dash out and get something...yesterday....needed a loaf of bread and was too vain to go into the corner store in my sweat pants, baggy sweatshirt, hair all messy and no make up. Trust me...this was never an issue for me before.
  9. I ironed my bedsheets last week...again...this was a first...I just couldn't stand the wrinkles! If I truly am becoming my mother...my T-shirts and shoelaces will be next...

So, when did I become my mother??? Was it a gradual thing...or did it just hit me over night like a run-away freight train? I always said I would not end up being like my mother...I fought against it...but somehow it crept up on me anyway. Sigh. I suppose it could be worse...my mom is a great person...but geeeeeezzzzz. I thought I would end up cooler lol.

Weight today 137.2 lbs...creeping down....

Keepin' it real...

Tuesday, June 5, 2007

Comfort Zone...

I did my hot yoga yesterday...gosh it felt great to be back in there as I hadn't been for a couple weeks. I managed to make it through the whole class without having to lay down so I was pretty pleased with myself. Oh and I also managed to do the "tree toe stand" pose without falling over or injuring myself lol It wasn't pretty but at least I got there.

How do I feel today...a bit sore but not too bad. It amazes me how the hot room makes the stretching and poses so easy. I get my head into places I never thought it would go lol. Then I think...Man I am going to pay for that tomorrow. The next day comes and I am sore but not the kind of sore I used to get when I lifted.

I tried to research how many calories I burn during a hot yoga class and came up with 900-1,200. That seems pretty high to me. I've been to about 6-10 classes and if anything my weight has gone up. Mind you, it seems that when I work out I will sometimes let it be a free pass to eating/drinking whatever I want for the day.

So...the title of my post was comfort zone. I was thinking about the whole concept of having a weight that your body is comfortable at. You know, that place where you just seem to be able to stay somewhat effortlessly. My comfort zone seems to be 135-140 lbs. I can eat normally, not work out and just hover there. Over eating will lead to this number creeping up but it seems that once I go back to just eating normally again...it drops back into "the zone".

Can I be happy in "the zone"? This is what I am struggling with right now. If you stick me in a pair of jeans and a T-shirt...I look ok. Bathing suit, shorts, *shudder* naked...ummmm...not so good. I think part of the problem is that I KNOW how I look at 115-120 lbs. I know that I can be that weight. I have a closet full of size 1-2 stuff yet I sit back in my size 6-8 clothing and relax in the zone.

Maybe I just need to accept that I don't have the drive or dedication to do what I used to do to be in those small sizes. (I was a BFL machine) There is this part of me that wants to be that lean mean workout machine again...but then there is the other part that loves going for hot chocolate with my new man....loves snuggling and eating cheezies....loves how he always gives me the first and last bites of his coffee crisp. Do I want to give that all up for size 2 jeans and a rock hard body?

Then there are the cute little yoga outfits. I was watching the fat on my stomach bunching as I bent into some of the poses...god the rolls...the Pilsbury Dough Boy would have been proud lol. I know...I was bending over and we all get rolls when we do that..but still. I want them gone lol.

So, where does this leave me....do I stay in "the zone" or do I bite the bullet and kick my own ass back into a size 2?

Weight 138.2 today.

Keepin' it real...

Monday, June 4, 2007

Fitness confessions....

Wow...how to confess just how lazy I have been? Did you know that sloths move so slowly that they have algae growing on them...well, I think I found some algae last week :P ewwwww

Just how much damage has this sloth-like conduct done? I stepped on the blasted scale this morning and it read 141.2 lbs. Bleck. The good news is....I always thought I was 5'1" tall but apparently somewhere since the last time I measured in highschool I grew an inch. So...in my twisted way of thinking...the extra inch makes me carry the extra weight better HA!

Why have I been so sloth-like? I have no excuse...just lazy and didn't feel like working out. Let me see if I can come up with some good excuses....Work has kept me busy, as the kids get older I am chauffering more, I have a new man in my life, the cat has been so demanding lately....ummm....that's all I could come up with lol.

The weird thing is...I feel so good after I work out. Like I can conquer the world. Kick ass and take names....BuuuuHaaaaaa!!!

So, today at 12pm...I will attend my Hot Yoga class. No excuses...need to sweat off some of this algae :P

Keepin' it real....

Sunday, June 3, 2007

Where to start....

I suppose the best place to start is where I left off. Or does it really matter? I mean...my life goes forward from this point on. What happened in the past is just that...the past. Suffice it to say....2006 sucked lol. A brief recap...then I move forward :)
  • Got engaged January 2006
  • Quit my job March 2006
  • Started losing my vision March 2006
  • Had to stop driving/reading etc May 2006
  • Got dumped mid-August 2006
  • Thought the relationship was back on end of August 2006
  • Got dumped again the first week of September 2006
  • Declared legally blind end of September 2006
  • October to December were the "dark months" (suicidal - nuf said)
  • Noticed vision was improving around Xmas
  • Eye doc appointment on January 25/07 - told I can drive again - what can I say, both the doctor and I were astounded by the improvement to my vision
  • January 25/07 - doctor "prescribes" that I get back into life and start dating (when a person saves your vision and gives you your life back, they tend to feel that they have the right to direct your life in other ways lol)
  • Mid-February/07 - started working again...not doing accounting like before...I am now an environmental/occupational consultant.

What have I learned from 2006? Well, I am way, Way, WAY stronger than I thought I was :) I believe that things happen for a reason...my blindness was given to me so that I could find out what was real in my life and what was not. It has given me such an appreciation for the beauty around me and for the faces of those I love most.

Soon after I got my vision back (it's not 100%, it never will be, but I can see well enough to drive, read, etc)...A friend of mine took me up in one of his airplanes (a small 2-seater Cessna). We went for a flight over the city of Vancouver and the mountains to the North. It was a gorgeous sunny day...and although I have flown into Vancouver many times, it was like I was seeing it for the first time. My eyes still well up with tears when I remember the beauty of that day....seeing a city from the sky that I thought I would never see again other than in my mind's memory. So many things are like that for me. It's like I am getting to see all my old familiar sights...but they are new. I feel so lucky...and even though I am not a religious person...I suppose I even feel blessed :)

More to come later....it's 4am...I couldn't sleep but now I think I can lol.